What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.

Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.

What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody

What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.

Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty

How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.

What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.

What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.

What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.

You're so pharma-cute-ical!

What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.

A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"

I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day

For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.

What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.

One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!

What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.

I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.

“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain

I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.

My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.

Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!

You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.

Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.

What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.

What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel

Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!

An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.

What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.

The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.

Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.

How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.

What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.

My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.

I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.

Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!

What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.

“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz

What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke