Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.

“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels

What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.

A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!

I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”

What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!

What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!

So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.

What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.

"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.

Knock Knock!

Who is there?

A Bee?

A bee who?

A beaver is building a dam on the river.

Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.

Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.

What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!

I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.

I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.

Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me

You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?

A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.

What is a car’s favourite movie character?

Aerial from The Little Mermaid.

You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.

Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C

What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.

What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

That’s a bit mulch.

How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.

My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."

If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa

"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.

In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.

You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.

I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.

Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!

Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.

What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.

What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.