Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
You're my missing ingredient.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
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