The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
"You can't sip with us."
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
Cutest clover in the patch.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
Would you like to share fire with me?
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Permission to board?
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
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