“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
I like you cherry much.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
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