Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
"Rosé all day."
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
Do you be-leaf in magic?
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
"Bugs and hisses."
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
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