What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
Can February March? No. But April May.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Have you botany plants lately?
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
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