Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
It's always a first class trip with me.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Let’s list the froze and cons.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
I Tour de Francy you.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
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