Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
I now believe in Angels.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
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