What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
You’re my soul Santa.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
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