I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
You shamrock my world.
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