“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck

“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”

- Patricia McCann

“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray

Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good

What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.

Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.

Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.

A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."

Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.

I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.

I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.

Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.

Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!

What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF

What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal

Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.

"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."

Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.

Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys

Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.

You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.

"Who’s In?"

“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”

– Elizabeth Fleming

Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.

Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling

Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.

Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.

Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.

What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.

How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking

Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!

Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.