Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
We have great chemis-tree.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
The snuggle is real.
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
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