If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
Fishing you a happy day.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
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