Your name is insert name here?
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
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