If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
It’s party thyme.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
I like you a latte.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
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