I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Money can't buy me love but it can buy you a drink
As it snow happens.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Your mausoleum or mine?
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
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