Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.

"Alcohol you later."

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.

I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.

You’re the only rein-dear for me.

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck

What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!

What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!

“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.

My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.

I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.

You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.

Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.

What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!

Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.

“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”

Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’

- Julie Anna Douglas

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.

Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no

Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose

Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.

I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band

"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern

What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.

Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!

I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.

Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.

What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.

Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.

What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.

What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!

How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.

How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.