I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
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