What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
I can sea clearly now.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
You’re my lucky charm.
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
All stereos are so typical.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
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