"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
Can’t pinch this.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
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