I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
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