Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
It's lit.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
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