“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle

What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?

A bird who can pluck itself.

I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!

My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.

I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.

A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.

Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.

I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.

There’s no reason to wine about you.

"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."

“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?

‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’

What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.

When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.

What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.

Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:

Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.

My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.

Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.

I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"

"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson

Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.

I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.

If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.

What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.

“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell

I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.

I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.

Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?

I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter

I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.

Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.

I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.

Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.

Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!

I can give you something to really be thankful about!

Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles

Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.

What is a car’s favourite bug?

A beetle.

A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.