I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.

“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky

What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.

My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.

Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.

“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin

It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.

- Natasha Niemi

A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"

Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.

Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.

Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.

My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...

Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.

What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!

What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!

What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.

My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.

What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.

How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.

It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.

"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"

Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.

“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis

What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.

Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.

My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.

Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.

Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!

What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.

Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.

In space, no one can hear us scream.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

"Grandpa’s Nose"

Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born

I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.

– Judy Valko

Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.

"I lava you."

If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.

Knock knock.
Come in.

“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen

I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.

"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."

- Robert M. Hutchins.