The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Irish you were beer.
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
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