Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
That’s a bit mulch.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
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