Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Trowel and error.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
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