What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.

Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.

Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown

Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.

What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.

What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.

What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.

I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.

Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.

What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.

What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.

I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah

What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."

- Ambrose Bierce

Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky

I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.

What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.

"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.

It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.

What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!

What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.

They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.

What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.

Summer is just floating by.

How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.

What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking

Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render

What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.

Give me some pigskin

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.

“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown

In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.

Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.

What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.

How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.

One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.

Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"

What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!

What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.

Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.

What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.