What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
They say everything gets better with age.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
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