What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
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