“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Nathan compares to you
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
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