What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
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