Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
You are so right. And I am so left.
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
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