Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
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