“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
I would love to show you first class.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
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