I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
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