Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
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