Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Funny meat-ing you here.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
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