What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
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