It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
Yule be sorry.
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A round of Santa-plause, please.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Go to BabaMail
