“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Car puns are really tiring
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
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