Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Water you doing, my friend?
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Leaf me alone.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
I think we need to become better strangers.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
I was gonna say something really sweet about you but when I saw you I was speechless.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
How much will $20 get me?
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
Go to BabaMail
