Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
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