It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
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