If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
You’re udder-ly perfect.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
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