I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
"Great minds drink alike."
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
You met all of my koala-fications
You're my purr-son.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Go to BabaMail
