I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
"Love the wine you're with."
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Go to BabaMail
