"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
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