In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
I've been thinking of U periodically.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
Can I hiber-mate with you?
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
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