I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.

At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"

“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer

Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.

Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"

I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.

What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."

I miss you! I’ll see you tater!

How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.

“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.

All farts...are laughing gas.

What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.

. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.

I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.

What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.

“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown

What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!

Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.

Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry

Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.

I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."

What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.

What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!

What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.

"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."

Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.

Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).

How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.

The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!