How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I think we're mint to be!
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
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