I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
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