What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
"You crack me up."
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
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