I love you and I ain’t lion.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
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