Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
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