Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
There’s snow one like you.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
Go to BabaMail
