I think you’re dandelion.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
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