Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
I really caribou-t you.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
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