What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
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