What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Can I hold your hand?
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
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