Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
Hey, are you okay-leb?
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
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