Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
You should see what I can do with ice.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
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