"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
You snow the drill.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
There’s snow one like you.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
All you need is MY love
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
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