What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!

How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain

I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.

Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.

What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!

What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.

If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.

I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.

What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”

It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.

“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”

"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".

Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.

Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.

Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.

Werewolves love their fast food.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"

It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.

Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.

I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.

Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".

What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!

What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.

The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.

What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.

Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.

"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.

"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)

Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.

What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.

I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack‬

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?

Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.