I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
You can stand under my umbrella.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
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