Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
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