How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
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