"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
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