"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
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