If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
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