The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
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