Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
She has high elf-esteem.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Go to BabaMail
