“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
I like big books and I cannot lie.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
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