“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
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