“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
Hello Boo-tiful.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
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