I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Sea you at the beach.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
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