If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.

Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.

Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!

“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”

– Will Rogers

“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker

Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”

My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.

"Rosé all day."

There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.

The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.

Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.

Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.

I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”

Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.

How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan

How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.

Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.

What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.

An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.

Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.

Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.

Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!

What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.

Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.

Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.

Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.

I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.

Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.

When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."

Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.

It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.

What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers

What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.

"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben

Good work, we’re raising your annual celery

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.

A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.

Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.

Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.