Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
How about you and I form a binary system?
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
You’re right up my alley.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
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