Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
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