Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
Better read than dead.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
I really caribou-t you.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Would you like to share fire with me?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
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