How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
"Here for the right riesling."
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
You make me want to Twist and Shout
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
He’s my pinch charming.
I think you’re dandelion.
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