I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
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