What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
I can be your travel pillow.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
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