Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Irish you were beer.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
"I'm nuts about you."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
Having a ball
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
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