It’s a winterful day!
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
For instant fun, just add water.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
You look like my future ex wife.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
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