What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
I Ecuador you.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
"Happy eggster."
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
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