I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
How much will $20 get me?
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
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