Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!

Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!

A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.

Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!

Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.

What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.

Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.

I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”

Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?

What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.

How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.

Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.

What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.

Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.

Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!

Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.

Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package

There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel

There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.

Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.

So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!

What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.

You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.

Believe in your elf.

What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.

Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.

How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.

Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.

Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?

What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes

Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

I'd drink your bathwater.

What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.

Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.

There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.

What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.

What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.