If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
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