Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.

What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke

What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.

“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan

"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain

Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!

Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?

What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.

Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.

Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.

Dublin’ the fun.

Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business

What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.

What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"

My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.

My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.

What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.

Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything

My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.

What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi

What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!

What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!

"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.

Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.

What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.

What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.

My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.

What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.

How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!

Shes a fairy realistic person.

"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor

They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.

"Reti or not, here I come!"

How about we get down to monkey business?

Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.

What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

A few punny Wifi names you can use:

Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers

How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!