Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Drowning doesn't seem too bad if you would give me mouth-to-mouth.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
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