How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
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