Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Go to BabaMail
