My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
You're acute Valentine.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
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