What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
Dublin’ the fun.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
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