Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
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