Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
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