Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
You're a good egg.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
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