Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
I came here looking for a little tail.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
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