"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
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