Want to be workout buddies?

You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.

How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.

“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous

Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.

What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.

How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.

Love at frost sight!

Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?

Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.

For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?

The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.

You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.

Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.

Crowing, crowing, gone.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!

I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.

Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.

Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.

Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?

The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!

What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.

Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.

In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.

Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.

What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.

Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.

I made a snap decision to watch football today

Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.

What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.

Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!

Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel

Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).

Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.

What music are balloons scared of? Pop music

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!

"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"

- Jim Gaffigan.

Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.

Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.