I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
"Rosé all day."
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
You are pitcher perfect.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
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