What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
I think you're barbe-cute.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
I think my heart just lagged.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
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