If you where a sheep I would clone you.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
Ice simply love it when it snows!
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Go to BabaMail
