Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case

I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.

Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!

It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.

Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?

What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!

What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!

Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.

What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.

Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!

My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.

What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.

What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?

A rain of terror.

Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.

Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse

"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."

- Grant Tucker

I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun."

Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.

Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.

Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.

What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?

You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.

“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”

How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony

There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.

You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.

You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.

What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?

Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.

What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!

Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.

What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.

Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.

Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.

A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”

Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.

How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!

What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.

I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.